It’s been almost two weeks since the earthquake in Haiti, and the message is still, “send cash.” There are a lot of boots on the ground–military personnel, church-related organizations, secular aid groups–who know what they’re doing, so it’s best for folks who don’t to stay out of the way and support the effort. Unfortunately, that message doesn’t seem to have gotten through to one particular group:

Amid the mass of aid agencies piling in to help Haiti quake victims is a batch of Church of Scientology “volunteer ministers”, claiming to use the power of touch to reconnect nervous systems.

Clad in yellow T-shirts emblazoned with the logo of the controversial US-based group, smiling volunteers fan out among the injured lying under makeshift shelters in the courtyard of Port-au-Prince’s General Hospital.

A wealthy private donor provided his airplane to fly in 80 volunteers from Los Angeles, along with 50 Haitian-American-doctors, in a gesture worth 400,000 dollars, said a Parisian volunteer who gave her name as Sylvie.

“We’re trained as volunteer ministers, we use a process called ‘assist’ to follow the nervous system to reconnect the main points, to bring back communication,” she said.

“When you get a sudden shock to a part of your body the energy gets stuck, so we re-establish communication within the body by touching people through their clothes, and asking people to feel the touch.”

I’m sure the doctors are most welcome. As for the “volunteer ministers,” that’s just what Haiti needs right now–roving bands of cultists touching people. Just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it?